8 AM. I wake up and stare at the ceiling. Dread. Sheer dread. That’s all I feel. And a strange aversion to moving quickly. I decide to turn over “and rest my eyes” for a minute before getting up because I won’t fall back asleep and it’ll be fine.
9:15 AM. I wake up again. This time I have no excuse of it being too early or anything absurd like that. In fact, I feel a bit guilty for how late it is. Nonetheless, I convince myself I don’t have that much to do today, so reading for a bit in bed — to “help me wake up” — will be fine.
10:15 AM. I can no longer hide the fact that I’m resisting the urge to get up because I dread my plans, and I also can no longer resist the urge to use the bathroom. Besides, my book is getting boring. I decide to get up.
10:45 AM. I’m pleased that I’m up, out of bed, dressed, hair styled and now ready to face the world. Well… not yet. I better eat breakfast first. Despite the fact that I’m not hungry and I know perfectly well I could go for another hour without food and be fine.
11 AM. Breakfast is made and eaten, but now I have a headache. Surely that’s an excuse…? Sigh.. it won’t hold up. Fine. I’ll start doing what I need to do.
11:15 AM. In frustration, I turn the camera off. I’ve been fiddling with it since I finished eating, trying to get the focus, lighting and set up right. For some reason, it doesn’t look right. The background isn’t in the right position. And then this shirt was a bad idea, so of course, I had to change to another one. Maybe I shouldn’t film today. I can film tomorrow. It’ll be fine.
11:20 AM. I turn the camera back on, adjust the tripod, and sit down in front of it. I start talking to myself to warm up before recording.
11:45 AM. My video is filmed.
I have defeated Resistance.
Granted, it took almost four hours, since I’d been resisting since 8 AM. Still, I defeated it. The point wasn’t to get it done quickly; the point was to get it done. And yes, it would’ve been better if I’d moved faster, gotten up sooner, finished filming earlier. But as it is, I’m happy with what I did.
I’ve discovered that filming a video is the hardest thing for me to do. Despite loving cameras, writing scripts, and having a decent relationship with editing software, being the one on camera is something I dread.
I hate it.
That’s not an exaggeration.
I hate it.
On those days I decide to film, I run into something:
Making videos of myself is my most keen source of Resistance.
I can come up with plenty of logical reasons not to film, or to delay filming. But it’s inevitable. I know I have to film. Whether I like it or not, that camera will be set up, turned on, and I will say my piece. I will turn the camera off and I will go into editing.
But that doesn’t change the fact:
I hate it.
Why do I do it then?
Because I know it’s good for me. Because my film-loving itch has to be scratched somehow. Because I set the goal of filming a video every week for six months.
Because I decided to.
And Resistance doesn’t knock at the door.
It comes barging in and demands to know the directions to my room.
Resistance is always there. No matter what day it is, how short I know filming will be, how good the script is… it’s there.
And if I’m being honest, I’m pretty sure I will always meet this source of Resistance.
When I’m filming myself five years from now, I’ll still run into Resistance.
Maybe I’ll learn how to ignore it more. Maybe it won’t be as acute.
But the fact remains:
Resistance is always there.
No matter how long you’ve done it when you decide to do a creative endeavor, Resistance will make a way to find you. It’ll come in the form of your plans, your “needs” (such as a need to eat breakfast at a certain time), your parents or friends calling, your slow-moving. No matter what, it’ll come.
But every time you defeat it, it gets a little weaker.
Every time you ignore it and push through it, you take away some of its power.
And no matter how long you have something that’s a source of Resistance, the more time you spend fighting it, the better off you’ll be.
The point isn’t to get rid of Resistance entirely and never have trouble with it again (because that’ll never happen).
The point is to be aware it exists, acknowledge it…
And then kick it out.
Because every time you defeat it, that’s another time you’ve done the right thing. Every time you ignore the urges of it, that’s another time you’re taking control.
So keep taking control. Keep ignoring it.
And go out there and defeat your source of Resistance.